A Spotter’s Guide to a Turkish Waterpark

Who’dathunkit? Turkey has some seriously amazing waterparks. Yet they also have some, ahem, unique features… Here’s a handy, cut-out-and-keep spotter’s guide.

1: The Putin-Alike

Should you have an aversion to busload upon busload of Russian package tourists, then Turkey’s Aegean coast is (whisper it!) not for you. At least, not during summer, where, after stiff competition, hard-partying, barely clad Russians seem to have taken the “Europe’s most-avoided tourist” prize from the Brits.
Look Out For: Vladimir Putin! Only he’s put a bit of weight on.
Bonus Points: If his belly’s hanging over his Speedos.
Triple Whammy: If he has prison tattoos.

2: Beer O’Clock

With the exception of driving, Turkey’s attitude to booze is remarkably liberal, especially at the Western end. Which is why yer typical Turkish waterpark sells beer – often as part of a meal deal (kebab, chips, plus coke or beer!), sometimes as part of an offer from a swim-up bar.
Look Out For: Beers before noon.
Bonus Points For: Beers before 11am.
Triple Whammy: Vodka or raki chasers.

I’m sorry. Were you eating?

3: Gorilla Back

There is no denying that there IS a lot of body hair about in this neck of the woods. Some of it shaved. Some of it growing back. Some of it cascading in all its perma-waved exuberance right from the neck to the nethers, with the full Brian May effect over the shoulders.
Look Out For: Full-cover back fur.
Bonus Points: If he’s taken a razor to his front fur.
Triple Whammy: If there’s a tramp stamp buried in there somewhere.

4: Special Assistance for Girls in Bikinis

21 years and under? Wearing a bikini? With a friend, in a bikini? Look the funloving sort? Then you can expect all sorts of, ahem, intimate assistance from the virile young chaps at the base of the slides as you grapple with the challenging task of exiting your inflatable boat in a ladylike fashion.
Look Out For: Full-body assistance.
Bonus Points: Two-man full-body assistance.
Triple Whammy: A successful post-work assignation.

5: A Bewildered Turkish Grandmother

One of the most inclusive – and confusing – aspects of modern Turkey is that you can, in one and the same place, have young Turkish chicks going about their work in bikinis, and a lady who could be their grandmother covered from hair to toe.
Look Out For: A confused granny. (Probably minding the baby.)
Bonus Points: If she’s wearing a flowery headscarf.
Triple Whammy: If she’s kept her socks on.

Whistles and glowsticks sadly optional.

6: Pool Side EuroTrance

Now, it wouldn’t be a pool on Turkey’s Aegean Coast without some pumping EuroTrance, whatever the time of day. Yep. Every day’s a pool party in the summer season.
Look Out For: EuroTrance at nightclub volume.
Bonus Points: Scantily clad chicks leading a group dance.
Triple Whammy: A bewildering segue into folk-dancing.

7: A Nasty Case of Sunburn

In any tourist resort frequented by Brits and Russians – hello, Turkey! Hello Sharm el Sheikh! – the general complexion of the crowd takes one back to the halcyon days when “tanning oil” played the role that “sun protection” does today.
Look Out For: A scarlet back and chest
Bonus Points: Handshaped white patches.
Triple Whammy: Burns below the remains of last week’s blisters.

8: Fun For Baby!

Why should the big kids – and adult big kids – have all the fun at a waterpark? The devoted mother of even the smallest infant will endeavour to see that baby has fun too, whether that’s taking it down a tiny slide, pushing it doggedly the wrong way up a Lazy River or joining the queue for a wildly inappropriate ride.
Look Out For: Pre-toddlers in the post-toddler sections.
Bonus Points: A fiercely glaring tiger mama.
Triple Whammy: An infant bikini.