13 Things You’ll Learn Travelling Indonesia

1: There is a Nadir for In-Vehicle Entertainment
Audio-visual torture of various kinds is an intrinsic part of the South-East Asian travel experience. From bootleg DVDs with subtitles straight out of Finnegans Wake, to Chinese KTV videos pumped up to max, from pixellated Hong Kong ultraviolence drowned out with Khmer pop to Chuckyesque infant balladeers on Vietnam’s answer to the X Factor…

Four or five repeats of this moustachioed trouper competing with the roar of the engine and the jangle of suspension to perform Indo karaoke favourites, however, took Asian in-bus entertainment to a whole new level.

2: Indonesians Can Eat and Sleep in Extremely Confined Spaces
Compared, for example, to ferries in the Philippines, Indonesian boats are a model of comfort and safety. However, once you have seen a large family curl up to sleep underneath a single row of seats, with nary a foot protruding, or grandma dishing out a meal from seven or eight pans without blocking the aisle, you will never complain about airline legroom again.

3: There is Always a Chap on a Scooter Willing to Make a Quick Buck
Need to make it from the only ferry port on the island to the only pharmacist on the island and back before the weekly boat arrives or your eye infection reaches 28 Days Later calibre? There will always be some nice chap on a scooter to chauffeur you about. Generally (outside Bali) for around a dollar a pop.

4: There is Always a Chap with a 4WD Willing to Make a Quick Buck
Known in most parts of Indonesia as kijang, 4WDs span the gamut from spanking new Toyotas with in-car entertainment systems out of MTV Cribs to ancient fake Fords with doors held shut with string and tires you could surface skis with. Whatevs. These chaps will drive for 5, 10, 15 hours throughout the night.

5: There is Generally a Chap in a Minibus Willing to Make a Quick Buck
Lost in a city? Just wave down the nearest minibus. The chap will either take you to where you’re going or to a place where another driver will. Generally for less than 20p. Unless, of course, there’s no one else in the minibus. Then, you understand, you, qua foreigner, have chartered the minibus. Which runs (relatively) expensive.

6: There is Occasionally a Chap in a Horse and Cart Willing to Make a Quick Buck
Scenic, true. But rarely cost-effective.

7: Small Boats Have Two Engines Because One is Broken
Well. Either that, or both are very temperamental. In most small boats the second engine (broken or not) functions as a sort of alternative to a two-way radio, a functional mobile phone or, y’know, life jackets. As if, in high seas, one could somehow cannibalise the parts in case of disaster.

8: Everyone Wants to Be Your Friend
Indonesians, particularly in the less-touristed parts, are some of the loveliest, most friendly people on the planet. Which means that, when you scrabble, bleary-eyed, from your 24-hour bus ride in search of your cheap hotel, a million and one curious, charming folk will want to learn your name, your age, where you come from, how long you have been in Indonesia and whether you speak Indonesian. Which is, in a way, really, really sweet and lovely. And, in another…

9: Do Not Put Anything on Your Lap When There is a Market in Town
When there is a market in a small town you will be sharing what passes for legroom in any vehicle with everything from sacks of rice to small children to defecating, panicking pigs. Put anything on your lap — particularly a child — and you will be unable to move your feet. When your circulation returns, this will hurt like snow tingles.

10: The Prices in Your Guidebook are Hardly Gospel
A guidebook, however recent, is only as good as the writer who updated the section (which may have been a couple of years before publication). I’d like to believe the average travel guidebook author’s conscientious passion for their oh-so-lucrative career extends to physically visiting every single bus station and checking current ticket prices against the ones the last writer put through. But the phrase “can’t be arsed” springs irresistibly to mind.

11: When Everyone Piles Off the Bus it is Meal Time
Join them, or you will go hungry. Because your next chance for food will be dinner, or the next tyre change (whichever comes first). Your driver will hoot when it is time to pile back on. If he’s pulling out half-empty, he’s making space for a new bus. If he’s pulling out full, start running and waving. If nothing else, it will give your fellow passengers a laugh.

12: Factor in Recovery Time to Your Journey Time
Most of Indonesia takes a long, long time to get around. And, if you’ve just spent 30 hours getting somewhere — the length of a trip from Australia to Europe, complete with stopover but often in far less appealing conditions — don’t bank on doing much but recovering for a day (or two) thereafter.

13: Appreciate the Beauty
Many parts of Indonesia take time to get around because the beautiful landscapes are unspoiled. When winding for hours through dramatic highlands, plodding through forested islets on a ferry, or simply seeing the sun rise over a port or paddyfields, stay focused on the beauty.

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*: If you have, and you’ve been wondering where we were, the spawn and I have just returned from a sojourn on Pulau Kadidiri in the Togian Islands, where, contrary to assurances, there is not any form of internet. It was absolutely lovely, and Z made a great new friend. Worth all 30 hours travel there and out. Pictures coming soon…